Happiness is a very important goal for most people. However, the art of being happy is surprisingly challenging and most folks find the goal of always being happy – or even being happy sometimes – pretty elusive.

I’m not an expert of happiness by any means (besides being a fairly happy person myself). Throughout my time as a therapist, however, I have found a few nuggets of wisdom that might get folks a bit closer to happiness.

In this post, I share a few reflections on how happy people stay happy.

Happy people see meaning in suffering

Life is not always easy. Life can be hard. Life can be suffering. Sometimes, life is downright shit.

I like to think of the analogy that we are all on a boat. Sometimes we are in the sunny clear weather and everything is hunky-dory. Other times, we experience the nasty temper of the sea and we need to weather life’s storm.

Some folks react to the bad parts of the journey with thoughts such as “this is unfair” and “why did this happen to me?” and sink into an emotional turmoil. On the other hand, I find that happy people tend to place meaning into life’s struggles.

For example, they see adversity as something that they grow from and become stronger as a result. Even in the context of a break-up or a passing of a loved one, they are able to reframe this experience into something of significance. In the wise words of Winnie-The-Pooh: “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Happy people understand how we act can come before how we feel             

In life, we are usually guided by our emotions. If we feel happy, we smile. If we are sad, we stay in bed and isolate ourselves.

Following our emotions is not inherently a bad thing. However, this can be tricky at times because we may keep certain unpleasant emotions alive by following what the emotions are telling us to do. For example, a person who is depressed may continue to stay at home, lie in bed, and withdraw from people and things that give them joy. This maintains the depression cycle.

Happy people tend to recognize that behaviours can precede emotions. That how we act can affect how we feel. For example, taking a walk even when we are tired can make us feel a little better afterwards. Or smiling even if we are feeling sad can lift up our emotions a little bit.

Therefore, happy people keep to the foundations when they notice that their mood is low. For example, getting sunlight in the morning, keeping to a social and physical routine, and continuing to the things that give them joy and meaning. Yes, it is important to give yourself some compassion and self-care when you are feeling depressed. At the same time, if these behaviours are keeping you stuck, then it is helpful to know that what we do can change how we feel.  

Sometimes, you have to give a little to get a little.

Happy people develop a sense of purpose

“A person who has a why can bear almost any how” – Nietzsche.

Meaning comes from identifying your values – that is, what is truly important to you. Values are different for each person. Some common values I commonly hear: family, stability, health, relationships, career, being kind, compassionate (among others).

Take some time to consider what gives you meaning. Perhaps you felt best when you were learning a new language or hobby. Maybe when you were performing well in your area of expertise. Or when you helped someone out and made their day a little better. Even having your cup of coffee in the morning and simply enjoying the moment. Once you find your values, act in accordance with them.  

Some folks struggle with some all or nothing thinking in the context of meaning. For example: “If I can’t change the world, what’s the point of helping one person?”

I personally really like the idea of the ‘rippling effect’ by Irvin Yalom, the founder of Existential Psychotherapy. The rippling effect is the idea that doing a good deed is like dropping a stone in the middle of a lake. We see a few ripples at first but then the ripples quickly disappear. However, the ripples don’t actually disappear – they just become invisible to the naked eye. In reality, the effects of your actions continue to ripple across time and space. Perhaps a small kind gesture you provided to a stranger on a whim one day ended up leading to some profound changes down the road.

We will never know, but isn’t it nice to think about it?

Happy people focus on the process rather than the outcome

What you get is sometimes out of your control. What you do is not.

People who are outcome-oriented tend to attribute their success to whether or not they got the job, received the award, or got their crush to say yes to going to the prom with them. People who are process-oriented attribute their success to simply applying for the job or asking the person out.

See the difference?

A person who is outcome-oriented puts their feelings in the hands of something outside of their control. “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be someone who hates peaches.” Your crush can still reject you even if you are the most-awesomest person in the world.

On the other hand, a process-oriented person judges themselves based on their actions. They succeeded the moment they studied hard for the exam, applied for their dream job, or asked out their crush – regardless if they said yes or no. By changing their perception of success to something about themselves and their actions, this person is never disappointed.

The paradox is that when we focus on the process of doing the right things, the outcomes likely end up more positive anyway. On the other hand, people who focus on the outcome sometimes start feeling really anxious, which can affect performance and reduce chances of success.

Happy people provide value to others

Humans are innately social creatures. As disconnected as we may be right now in the modern world, I (as an annoying optimist) believe that deep down we like being kind to others and giving when we can – at least to people who are truly appreciative.

Value can be provided in a number of ways. It can be showing that you truly understand the other person, helping them through a tough time, or solving a problem by developing expertise.

One way that I have found helpful to improve my own self-esteem and provide better value to other people is through developing my skills in an area. For example, becoming a good clinician and helping people through therapy. Or developing my writing and helping folks through these posts. If you suck at something, that’s okay. The first step to be somewhat good at something is to suck at it. So focus on the process and push on through to keep working. Something being challenging can be rewarding in its own right.

Some folks get stuck on what specific skill they should be developing and if the path they are taking is the correct one. I believe that there is no one right path. And there is no way of knowing until you have started journey in the first place. Anything you really stay committed to improving the craft and providing value to others can eventually become the right path. Take the first bold step and keep going!

Happy people realize that life is a paradox

If you want to get something, you first need to give. To force yourself to sleep is to stay awake. To want stability is to accept instability and join the dance of life. Even to strive for happiness can be seen as unhappiness.

In the heart of this message is a sort of acceptance.

That it is okay to prefer something (like being asleep rather than awake at night), but forcing something to happen rarely ever works. Instead, accept both being awake or asleep, being stable or unstable, being happy or unhappy, and allow it all to be a possibility. Paradoxically, you might get a little closer to your goal through true acceptance.   

Happy people realize that being happy is not the end all be all

I used to think of happiness as a very important goal. Nowadays, I prefer to see happiness as a by-product of doing the right things – working hard, providing values to others, being present in the moment, and finding meaning in the things I do. For me, that’s sufficient. And if I also happen to be happy in the moment, then all the better.  

I think of following the above recommendations as a way of cultivating the right environment for happiness to come out more frequently. Like tending to a garden so that little happiness critters come more often. However, happiness can still be fleeting and striving for it only makes it want to disappear.

Ultimately, happy people recognize that they are not always going to be happy. But if we’re doing the right things, then at the very least we are content knowing we are living life in a way that is consistent with our values.

Best wishes,

P

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash