Working through ambivalence

It is normal for people to have ambivalence about whether this is the right time to make a commitment to change something in their lives. Even in therapy, people come at different stages of change – from precontemplation (“I see no problems with what I’m doing”) to preparation (“I’m already thinking about how I can start moving towards my goal”).

You might be thinking yourself about whether this is the right time to make a change in your life. For example, deciding whether or not to start facing your anxiety; become more socially active; or improve your health.

There’s likely a part of you that wants to change; however, you might notice sometimes that it hard to gather enough motivation to actually get going. Another possibility is that you have all the motivation, but can’t seem to figure out how to get started.

This post provides some strategies to both increase motivation and figure out how to get started once you are committed for change!

Suggestion #1: Identify your values

Nietzche once said: “A [person] who has a why, can bear almost any how.”

When we are looking to change, we need to understand our underlying values and reasons to change in the first place. Here are a few examples of possible values that help guide behaviours:

  • Health
  • Family
  • Finances
  • Being a provider or caretaker
  • Adventure
  • Kindness
  • Courage

…Or you might just want to be the type of person that does the thing. Asking why a change is important to you is important for increasing commitment.

For example, a person may want to become more physically fit so that they are able play with their kids or grandkids even when they are old and grey. Another reason that this person wants to change may be to become a good role model for future generations.

Either way, the first step is figuring out your ‘Why.’

Suggestion #2: Develop a pros and cons list

Change is hard. Change is scary. Sometimes people think about ‘positive’ changes and that it is all rainbows and unicorns. A total no-brainer. However, in reality, there is a cost with any decision that we make.

It can therefore be helpful to develop a pros and cons list and write out the benefits and drawbacks of making a change. You might notice that there may be pros that are more long-term focused and consistent with your values. And identifying these benefits might move you up the totem pole of motivation.

However, there are also often drawbacks to changing as well. Maybe with greater stability, there’s less drama in your life. Perhaps with less mood challenges come less emotional support from friends or family. Or even being more active might lead to less opportunities to veg out in front of the television with your favorite cold beer and chips.

It sounds silly, but there is reason why we stay in our comfort zone – because it’s comfortable. There is always give and take with any decision. And it’s not a bad thing to take a bit of time to grieve for these potential losses.

Suggestion #3: Using the Devil’s advocate technique

One strategy that can be helpful to generate some momentum if you are having difficulties finding reasons to change is the Devil’s advocate technique. This strategy makes you play the other side by asking the question “Well things are going well enough – why not just stay the same?”

By asking this question, you start thinking about how your current behaviours are contributing to challenges in your life. This may showcase important values that you are missing out by not changing.

Suggestion #4: Using SMART Goals

Now that we are (hopefully) sufficiently motivated, we need specific strategies that move us closer towards our bigger goals.

SMART Goals can be a great way to set ourselves up for success by making goals specific and achievable.

For example, instead of thinking “I need to be more social,” a possible SMART goal could be “I will call up one friend to hang out for lunch.” If a goal is “to be more active,” then a SMART goal could be going out jogging at least twice a week.

When engaging in SMART Goals, make sure that they are relevant to what you want and are achievable and realistic to set yourself up for success. Here’s a guide on SMART goal setting if interested!

Suggestion #5: Reduce barriers that get in the way

When we think about changing, we might have certain thoughts that make it harder for us. For example, we may think “What’s the point?” or “It’s just a drop in the bucket.” These thoughts can de-motivate us from wanting to start.

It can be helpful to challenge these thoughts and notice that they are not helpful in moving towards your goals. And perhaps a little reframing never hurts: “Yes, it is just a drop in the bucket, but with enough drops we’ll get there.”

In terms of our actions, there are ways to reduce friction of starting. When we are first developing a new behaviour, it is going to be very uncomfortable. Therefore, we want to make this process for change as easy as possible.

For example, putting your alarm clock away from you so you have to physically get up to turn it off if you are wanting to wake up earlier. Another example might be keeping your workout clothes ready nearby so you can change immediately to go to the gym.

Make it easy to do the hard things.

Suggestion #6: Giving yourself permission to stay the same

Sometimes change sounds nice on paper, but it actually not something personally important to you. I would encourage you to ask yourself if this change is really consistent with your values – or if society or someone else is telling you that it is important.

For example, some folks might just naturally prefer to be more introverted or want things a little more tidy than others. This doesn’t mean you have social anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder. And it doesn’t mean you have to change.

Let your values guide your behaviours. When it comes to your life, the most important thing is that you feel like you have a choice. And it is up to you to decide whether or not to change.

Best wishes,

P