How To Know When You Are Experiencing Realistic Anxiety

In therapy (and life), we often talk about anxiety as though it is a bad thing. But anxiety – at least in moderate doses – is very important.

Evolutionarily, anxiety keeps us safe. Back in the ancient days, if there were a bear around near our caves, we probably want our anxiety system to kick in to make sure that we can run or fight back.

Besides threats to ourselves, anxiety also keeps our loved ones safe – for example, by making sure we check on our newborn babies so that their needs are met.

Therefore, the goal of therapy is not to get rid of all anxiety. It is to lower the volume of anxiety to a more manageable level.

One important question then is how do we know when the anxiety we are feeling is healthy and realistic? This post discusses some characteristics of healthy and realistic anxiety.

Anxiety is realistic when it keeps us (and others) physically safe

Anxiety keeps us vigilant about possible threats. Although there are less bear attacks in modern times, we still need to keep an eye out for possible dangers. For example, looking both ways before crossing the street. If we did not have anxiety, we’d run the risk of getting hit by a car.

Healthy anxiety also keeps our loved ones safe. For example, if you see that your partner has a weird mole on their neck, having some anxiety to push them go to the doctors to check it out would be important.

Of course, we don’t want to constantly be checking for possible danger around us. If we spent every waking moment being fearful that the sky is falling the down, we’d be pretty exhausted. A healthy amount of anxiety allows us to function in daily life while keeping us generally safe.

Anxiety is realistic when it is consistent with our values

In therapy, we call behaviours that are consistent with our values as ‘ego-syntonic.’

For example, if we care a lot about our job, it makes sense we are anxious about our performance. When we care about our children, it makes sense we worry about their wellbeing and future.

We all have values that are important to us – whether family, finances, health, or something else. When we care about something, we naturally feel a little anxious because we don’t want to lose it.

For example, if we care a lot about our job, it makes sense we are anxious about our performance. When we care about our children, it makes sense we worry about their wellbeing and future.

Anxiety is realistic when it does not feel excessive

The caveat to the above point is that we do not want to excessively worry about something even if we do care. If finances are a value to you, that does not mean it is reasonable to be thinking about finances all day every day.

When our anxiety stops us from living in the present and negatively affects our lives, that is when we are moving from healthy anxiety into excessive anxiety.

It can therefore be important stay curious about how much anxiety is actually needed in different situations. Behavioural experiments, which curiously tests our anxious predictions, can be a great way to reduce our fears. For example, instead of checking an email 10 times, you might only check it once or twice and see if you end up making any mistakes.

Anxiety is realistic when it helps us perform

Too much anxiety and we are paralyzed. Too little anxiety and we don’t care to do anything. But a moderate amount of anxiety is just right to help us perform.

For example, when we are writing an exam or doing an interview, too little anxiety makes us woefully unprepared. Too much anxiety can sabotage us by affecting our performance.

However, when we have a healthy amount of anxiety, we kick ourselves into gear to properly perform to achieve our goals.

I invite you consider whether your anxiety in different situations help or hinder you. If it’s the former, great keep going. If it is the latter, then it might be worthwhile to manage your anxiety levels.

Anxiety is realistic when it does not make us avoid things we need to face

In therapy, we often talk about safety behaviours – things that we do to subtly get away (avoid) from things that we fear. For example, looking away from a person when talking to them because of social anxiety or never going on airplane because of a fear of flying.

This avoidance can sometimes be unhealthy anxiety because we all need to face our fears sometimes. If we don’t get on an airplane, we might miss opportunities to see loved ones. If we don’t face social situations, we lose our chances at meaningful relationships.

Of course, not all behaviours are avoidance. When thinking about avoidance, we have to consider the function. For example, not going to a party because you don’t like the folks there is not avoidance. On the other hand, not going to a party because you are scared people will think you are boring is avoidance.

When we avoid, we feel a brief sense of relief. However, the unhealthy anxiety stays around – short-term gain, but long-term pain.

Therefore, it is important to recognize when we are avoiding (and not in a good way) to be able to function in our daily lives. This is the basis of exposure therapy.

Conclusion

This post highlights that anxiety is not a bad thing. In fact, anxiety is a great thing that keeps us safe, motivates us to work hard, and helps us know what is important to us.

However, like with anything else, we need to find a balance to make sure we have a healthy dose of anxiety. Hopefully, this post provided some insights into what realistic and adaptive anxiety can look like.

Best wishes,

Photo by Hans-Jurgen Mager on Unsplash